SMOKING

Yes I smoke. I have smoked steadily for more than three years, which is a pretty long time now that I look back on it. I know that smoking is bad for me. I know that if I continue smoking one day I will die of lung cancer. I know I am wasting my 10 bucks every week on slowly killing myself, yet I still cannot find the willpower to quit. I do however know that I have to find that willpower if I ever want to kick my habit. Holding that cigarette inhaling that nasty smoke is nothing more than a vice that holds me and I can't keep succumbing to it.

I started smoking about halfway through grade 8 because I wanted to know why all the "cool" kids did it. I had no friends in jr.high and I guess I thought maybe if I started doing as other did I would gain some sort of acceptance. It didn't work of course because I never had any friends all throughout jr. high. When I took my first drag of my first smoke I didn't feel any different (other than the buzz I got). I had no idea why so many people in my class went across the street every lunch hour to submit to their nicotine craving. Still, I continued to smoke whenever I could get my hands on a cigarette. Looking back I wonder how I ever bought cigarettes when I was 13 years old. I looked so young, how the fuck could anyone have mistaken me for a n 18 year old? Stupid money hungry cigarette shops pollute the young lungs of innocent children because they want our fucken money. Yeah well, if some stupid fuck didn't sell me smokes when I wasn't addicted then maybe I never would have got addited.

I continue to smoke now because I need the nicotine rushing through my veins and when I don't have it I miss it. I also smoke because for some odd reason I have some kind of psychological attachment to holding a cigarette. I feel much more confident when I have a lit smoke in hand than when I don't. I know this is a super dumb reason, but it is my reason, and I'm sticking to it.

I know that I'm unhealthy because I smoke. I know that I have high blood pressure because I smoke, but I honestly could care less as long as I get my nicotine. I've tried to quit smoking so many times in the last two years failing miserably every single time. The longest I've gone without a cigarette is four days which may not seem like a lot to a non smoker but it's an eternity to a girl who normally smokes almost half a pack a day. I'm going to quit again though. Me and Emily are going to quit together. Next week I'm going to start smoking Export A lights instead of Export medium king size. Oh yes, that is my first step on the way to me quitting smoking. I hope I lasts longer than a few days this time.

As long as I keep smoking I will never give up on giving up smoking. If you smoke neither should you. I know I'm a hypocrite and should not have the right to tell anyone not to smoke but I will anyway. IF you smoke quit, if you don't smoke never start, you'll be much better off because of it.

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