Like a ton of bricks

I am sitting in front of my DAEWOO low radiation screen computer with super blondissima in my hair in a too small mint green t-shirt and green army pants. This is the summer (the only summer) that I am 16 years old. This will never happen again, but to tell you the truth I honestly wish that I could freeze time and stay 16 years old forever. As I sit here the realization that I soon will not be a child anymore hits me over the head like a load of bricks. There will be no more high school after this year, there will be no more police dragging me home if I so choose to run away, there will be no more problems with trying to get a body part pierced. There will be no more childhood innocence, no more carefree, no responsibility, I didn't know it was illegal to forge checks times for me to spend. NO I never thought that I would make to through grade school. NO I never thought that I would make it to 16. No I never thought that I would be so scared. NO I never want to grow up.

I am in grade 12. I am in grade 12. The sound of that sentence creeps me out. In another year I will be in University working my way towards a degree in English. MY brother will be turning 18 and moving out of the house soon. There will be no more waking up at 6:00 a.m. in order to catch the 6:50 bus to school downtown. No there will be no more school. There will be no more at home with my parents. There will be no more power controlling me. I am so scared. Nothing compares to the fact that suddenly with 17 years of warning, my life will be thrown into another dimension, a dimension where I am an adult and I am the one looking down on teenagers. How could it be that little immature Michelle who's hair color changes weekly, and whose number of body piercings is rapidly increasing is becoming an adult?

No I can't avoid reality. NO I cannot deny the fact that I am changing, along with all of my friends. NO I cannot help the feeling of going to shows and being amazed by the youth of the new little punks, when three years ago that was me. No I cannot turn back the hands of time. The only thing I can do with this growing fear of being pushed into the "real world" is confront it head on and realize I'm already there. I already live my own life. I already make my own decisions. I already know what I plan to do with my life. And I can't run away from the fear, because I am the one who created it. So I am the one who must destroy it. So I will continue to live, and I will continue to grow up, but forever in my heart I will remain who I am, and I will never forget the year I was 16.